The Room

It's still a HUGE work in progress, but the painting is done except for a few touch ups I need to do and some paint needs to be added to the top of the closet.  As promised, there are pictures!  

First coat of blue.

Blue and white walls after the paint has dried and the tape removed.

The green wall (still drying) and the closet.

The room is still a disaster.  It took all 4 days of my holiday weekend to get to this point.  Let's just say that the 3 1/2 hours of power sanding painted-over splatter paint didn't help expedite the process.  The furniture has started arriving in boxes, so hopefully the room will be completely put together within the next weekend or two unless we end up ordering a second bed, then it may take longer.


I didn't really elaborate why it's so important to get the room together as fast as we are.  When we have our home study done we have to have a room in place for our potential kiddo.  The home study will potentially be the first of the year, but just in case we have a social worker who's in a hurry to get things going before the end of the year, we figured it would be wise to go ahead and get it really ready.  Obviously, we have no clue what colors our child/children will like, but we can (quickly) repaint before they come to stay with us and match the room to their tastes.  We just want to make sure that for the time being the space is fun and welcoming.  I realized after painting these colors that they are probably more appropriate to a boy, but maybe a girl would like them too.  If not, I'll be spending a weekend speed-painting again.  At least the sanding is done now! 


That's all for tonight's post.  This Saturday is our last MAPP class, so there will be more after our class.  I'm sad to see the classes end, but thrilled that we are that much closer to becoming a forever family!

Our Kiddo's Room, Other Unrelated Thoughts & Gratitude...

Like many expectant parents, we have the joy (and frustration) of designing our future child's bedroom.  However, unlike many of the expecting parents we know, our child will not be a tiny baby who has yet to develop it's own likes and dislikes as far as decorating is concerned.  Instead, we are designing a child's room that has to match a child from the age of 5 to 17 and be appropriate for either a boy or a girl.  No big deal, right?  WRONG!  To say that I have agonized over this silly 10x12 room would be an understatement the size of Texas!  I have looked at no less than 500 different bedroom furniture sets online (including driven 2 1/2 hours (one way) just to look at some of the furniture), looked at countless paint colors, and on and on and on.  Not knowing the personality or tastes of our future kiddo has really made planning their room a challenge, but I want it to be as comfortable and welcoming as possible.  We have finally decided on a furniture set (which should be here this coming week) and instead of having a house-full for Thanksgiving, we will be painting their bedroom.  I will be sure to post pictures once the paint is all on the walls.  Hopefully it will all be done in time for our home study....

I'm pretty sure that Mama S is about ready to have a vacation away from me after all the stressing I've done on the room.  I am lucky to have such a patient wife!  She doesn't realize how patient she really is and worries that she won't be patient enough with our kids.  I think (much like what already happens) we will make up for each other's short comings and everything will work out just fine.  We still have yet to decide on which of us will look best on our adoption paperwork and have put that decision on hold until after we get the room done and our MAPP classes are completed.  (It seems that my last post was therapeutic, so thank you for letting me vent!)

We realized yesterday that this will more than likely be our last holiday season without children.  What an exciting thought!  To think that we will have a family to continue traditions and create new ones with means more than I can say.  I hope that we will be able to give our children wonderful experiences to build fond memories of as they grow older.  It seems that the further into our process we get, the more love I have for our future children.  The thought struck me as odd in a way because we really have no idea who we will be adopting as of yet, but I can honestly say that I already love them.  We both know that raising our children will by no means be easy, but having the opportunity to love them will be worth every challenge placed before us. 

As I wrap up tonight's post, I just have to say that despite not being able to adopt our child together, we are so grateful for the chance at having a family.  So, in this season of giving thanks,  I give thanks for the law makers who made this possible for Mama S and me, as well as for the families who have fought to bring us this far.  I hope and pray that they are blessed for supporting our families.  Happy Thanksgiving!

Who Looks Better On Paperwork....

...and no, I am not referring to a perspective adoptee.  We attended a meeting on LGBT adoption Tuesday night (despite me being sick as a dog) and were smacked with a very heart breaking reality.  When the adoption ban was determined to be unconstitutional there was no rewriting of the law.  They simply made it so that gay people could adopt.  However, this means that there is nothing written with regards to second parent adoption or couples adoption.  We were told that if someone challenged the law at this point in time it would more than likely lead to the law being put back in place and the LGBT community in Florida would be right back to where we started.  What this means for us though is that we now have to decide between the two of us who looks best on paperwork.  That means who has the best job, references, traits and on and on.  It also means that only one of us will be the legal parent of our child.  One. Of. Us.  The fact that we would both be recognized (or so we thought) was one of the things we were both so thrilled about with adoption.  Mere words cannot express my disappointment and, to be honest, bitterness at this point.  Mama S got her negative feelings out of her system earlier this week, but it really hit me hard and I am not sure what to do with these feelings.  There are feelings of heartache, bitterness, anger, fear for our future child, and more than anything, the feeling of being teased by the carrot on the stick of equality again.  I fear for our child because I am so afraid as to what would happen if (God forbid) anything happened to the one who was able to legally adopt our child.  Yes, there are Wills that can be written and yes, there are measures we can take (like remaining active in the foster care system as one social worker suggested), but at the end of the day how safe will our child be?  We all have heard horror stories of the birth/legal parent of a child dying and then the partner's rights to the children they had raised be contested by the birth/legal parent's surviving family...and the family wins and the children are taken away.  One can hope in this day and age that would not happen, but we do, after all, live in the south.  Besides this, how can we really pick who is the best to represent our family?  We are a unit, as all couples are, and we are raising our children within said unit.  The beauty of our relationship is that, where one lacks the other makes up for (patience, experience, etc).  We are being denied the right at being recognized as a family, and it REALLY SUCKS!  I feel like we are being forced, in a way, to live a lie by "pretending" that we are not both the parents of our kiddos.  That is not fair to our children nor is it to us!  We are both just stunned that it is even a question.  MT sympathized with us today, and gave us some tips as to how to keep our family safe should anything happen to the legal parent, but it still stings.  My heart breaks too at the thought that when our child/children see their birth certificate and ask why only one Mama is listed on it instead of both that we will have to explain to them that the laws do not recognize our family. What will it do to their little hearts?  I hope that they know that our love is deeper than what the law imposes on us.  But, for now, we still have to decide who looks better on paperwork...

I'm a Noob...

Yes, you read that right...I'm a noob.  (For you who don't know what that means, I'll post it in the glossary, even though it has nothing to do with our process other than me being goofy.)  I was freaking out and stressing over all the letters we had to write and things we had to do.  After 5 drafts, the letter finally came together for the "Dear Birth Mother" letter, mainly because a dear friend was willing to share her thoughts with me.  The "Dear Child" letter was cake and Mama S found a CAD program online to make the floor plan.  We did ALL of this stuff and were so proud that we had it when we got to class and we both even busted through paperwork to try to get all of ours finished....only to be told by MT that we Didn't. Have. To. Do. It.  She forgot to mention to us that because we are adopting and NOT fostering that we will have different things to do for our case and that the letters, scrapbook (thankfully I STILL hadn't started on it!), floor plan and pictures were not needed yet.  I think she saw the expression I had and told us that it was good to have it in our file either way for when our Case Worker takes over.  So yes, all that stress for nothing.  I say I am a noob for this because all week long Mama S kept saying that we should wait to talk to MT about the homework as she was wondering if we really needed to do it.  I was absurdly insistent that we indeed needed to do the homework and drove myself nuts (probably Mama S too) trying to get it done.  She has had a few "I told you so" moments of glory to bask in, don't you worry.

MT wasn't kidding when she said we would be talking about suicide and loss.  There were definitely some startling statistics...the kind that make your heart break and make you sick to your stomach all at once.  The state of Florida has something like a 12% suicide rate (if I remember it right, don't have my notes in front of me), yet our county alone has a 15.5% rate! 15.5%!!!  I still can't wrap my head around how that's possible....about how our county can have such a rate....or how our state can even have such a rate.  We were put through QPR training (Question, Persuade, Refer) for suicide prevention in hopes that we will recognize the signs in our children if they ever reach the point of wanting to harm themselves.  I have to say this:  I HIGHLY recommend this training for ANYONE working with young people or even people in general and I'm grateful that we were given the opportunity to have this training.  

I have to say, I feel very fortunate that we are going the route we are with our adoption.  So far, DCF has been incredible.  They really seem supportive of the kids they are wanting to find permanent families for, as well as our family.  To be specific, we had to fill out reams (no exaggeration) of paperwork and on one of the packets it asked our marital status.  This is always a sticky question for us to navigate considering the fact we were married in Massachusetts but neither the state we live in, nor the Federal Government will recognize our marriage.  We asked MT about how we should fill it out and she told us to write MARRIED on our form, that to her and everyone in DCF who will touch our paperwork, we effectively are married!  That means that we will actually have a state document acknowledging our marriage! Wow!  This is the first time in a year and a half our union has been recognized as such and it's pretty incredible that they would honor our family by treating us totally equal.  Then, the fact that DCF is so eager to make sure that they have people who will truly care about kids instead of people just there for a paycheck means a lot to me.  MT seems quite good at weeding out those that seem to just see fostering as an employment opportunity, which will hopefully mean that the kids being placed in foster care will be well taken care of and loved.  

All in all, much was realized and learned this week.  The classes definitely are NOT easy, but they make you do the soul searching you need to in this process.  I won't speak for Mama S, but I am certainly looking forward to our next class!!

Much on the Mind

Yes, I know I just blogged 2 days ago, but there's much on my mind that will serve me better on paper...erm, blog.

First of all, there's the joy of writing the "Dear Birth Parent" letter.  I was very student-like and mapped out all of the points we needed to touch upon, even being sure to integrate the points that had some connection to each other.  (Mama S found that quite amusing I must say!)  Once I started typing out the letter (it has to be hand written, but I'm typing the rough draft for easy editing) it's like my brain just stopped functioning.  Maybe I just need to have a word-vomit session and write everything that comes to mind without filtering for quality.  I won't feel too bad though, when handed the computer Mama S just stared at it blankly for a few minutes before handing it back to me.  LOL.  A vict...um, volunteer, is also needed to proof-read it before it can be hand written.  (Do I see any hands?!)  Did I mention this all has to happen by Saturday at 9am?  No pressure!  (And yet, here I am blogging instead of pouring my heart out in a letter....hmm.)

Maybe I can blame the fact that I have horrid writer's block on my Mom.  After all, as Freud says, "If it's not one thing, it's your Mother".  Today is the 12 year anniversary of her death.  Yes, I know 12 years is a long time, but I guess there are parts of me that still revert back to a 14 year old girl when it comes to the loss. For some reason, it's bothered me in waves today.  I went from being teary-eyed to just fine, then right back again.  Poor Mama S has gotten the brunt of it...I've not been exactly the most cheerful person today.  She's understanding though...the fact that she lost her Mom the same year I lost mine (only she was older and seems to have adjusted to her mother loss in a much more normal way) helps her understand why I am the way I am.  It may be my insecurity coming through, but sometimes I really wonder if I will know how to parent a child past the age of 14.  That's how old I was when my Mom died, so I didn't really get to see the mother-daughter relationship develop into the teenage years.  I have already ordered a copy of Motherless Mothers (written by Hope Edelman) for my iPad.  I figure it will help me figure out the mother-loss issues that come up when we get further into the adoption process.  It's funny to me that when we were trying to get pregnant I had already declared that I would go to therapy to deal with those issues.  Didn't occur to me to do the same with the adoption until a recent conversation with a friend.  I guess it was a "Duh!" moment.

Enough of my carrying on about mother-loss.  Yes, it shapes my life and I'm sure it will shape the way that I parent our children, but I try to not dwell on it quite so much normally. Once we have the "Dear Birth Parent" letter done, we'll be posting it for you all to read.  We have to write a letter to our future child/children as well, but first we'll do the detailed letter and then reward ourselves with the fun, more simple one.  Until then, time to get back to work!