Much on the Mind

Yes, I know I just blogged 2 days ago, but there's much on my mind that will serve me better on paper...erm, blog.

First of all, there's the joy of writing the "Dear Birth Parent" letter.  I was very student-like and mapped out all of the points we needed to touch upon, even being sure to integrate the points that had some connection to each other.  (Mama S found that quite amusing I must say!)  Once I started typing out the letter (it has to be hand written, but I'm typing the rough draft for easy editing) it's like my brain just stopped functioning.  Maybe I just need to have a word-vomit session and write everything that comes to mind without filtering for quality.  I won't feel too bad though, when handed the computer Mama S just stared at it blankly for a few minutes before handing it back to me.  LOL.  A vict...um, volunteer, is also needed to proof-read it before it can be hand written.  (Do I see any hands?!)  Did I mention this all has to happen by Saturday at 9am?  No pressure!  (And yet, here I am blogging instead of pouring my heart out in a letter....hmm.)

Maybe I can blame the fact that I have horrid writer's block on my Mom.  After all, as Freud says, "If it's not one thing, it's your Mother".  Today is the 12 year anniversary of her death.  Yes, I know 12 years is a long time, but I guess there are parts of me that still revert back to a 14 year old girl when it comes to the loss. For some reason, it's bothered me in waves today.  I went from being teary-eyed to just fine, then right back again.  Poor Mama S has gotten the brunt of it...I've not been exactly the most cheerful person today.  She's understanding though...the fact that she lost her Mom the same year I lost mine (only she was older and seems to have adjusted to her mother loss in a much more normal way) helps her understand why I am the way I am.  It may be my insecurity coming through, but sometimes I really wonder if I will know how to parent a child past the age of 14.  That's how old I was when my Mom died, so I didn't really get to see the mother-daughter relationship develop into the teenage years.  I have already ordered a copy of Motherless Mothers (written by Hope Edelman) for my iPad.  I figure it will help me figure out the mother-loss issues that come up when we get further into the adoption process.  It's funny to me that when we were trying to get pregnant I had already declared that I would go to therapy to deal with those issues.  Didn't occur to me to do the same with the adoption until a recent conversation with a friend.  I guess it was a "Duh!" moment.

Enough of my carrying on about mother-loss.  Yes, it shapes my life and I'm sure it will shape the way that I parent our children, but I try to not dwell on it quite so much normally. Once we have the "Dear Birth Parent" letter done, we'll be posting it for you all to read.  We have to write a letter to our future child/children as well, but first we'll do the detailed letter and then reward ourselves with the fun, more simple one.  Until then, time to get back to work!